IKEA, Nottingham. Honestly.

I should not be writing this. We should not have been eating here. Tonight, we were supposed to be off to a Back to the Future themed event and pub quiz at a very nearby pub. The evil Swedish empire put paid to that.

As IKEA was very close to our intended destination, we popped in to sort out a few bits and pieces, returning a couple of items (you have 365 days to do so, which is rather generous) and then buying a few bits and pieces (no tealights).

You wouldn’t think it could take 45 minutes to take a mattress topper down from a shelf and deliver it to 2, waiting, hungry, customers. Sadly, it does. So, when the clock strikes eight, and you’ve still not eaten, there’s not much choice. You have to give in and go and get some meatballs from the cafe, and then go home having missed your pub quiz.

There is other food here. There’s always other food. But no-one comes here for that. It’s meatballs all the way. They do fish? Great. A steak special? Fine. Enough already. Just hand over the meatballs. And chips. And creamy gravy stuff. And berries. That is what IKEA is all about.

You can pay extra for some peas if you want. This is never going to encourage healthier eating. Who is going to pay extra for peas? This is IKEA. They don’t do things like you and I. They are different.

It’s £3.80 for ten meatballs. It’s quick, it’s tasty, it’s good value. This is not lovingly prepared, free-range, organic meat like you get from your local farmer. This is mass-produced stuff that is the same wherever you go. It’s fast food and easy, it’s just a shame that we should have been somewhere else. I leave you with Mitch Benn’s IKEA song…

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